aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
It's going to be one of those weeks: you'll feel fat and have bad hair days; you'll sprout one of those volcanic monster zits in the crease of your nose with one to match on your ass; you may be compelled to contemplate the stray hairs either growing out of random body parts or falling out in clumps in the shower; could be, while doing your best Cabbage Patch on the dance floor, you'll take a digger and split your new pants, calling to mind the "Blue Moon" scene in Grease; or, in the middle of sweet, passionate love-making, you'll accidentally let rip a toot so monstrous, the neighbors will think there's been an earthquake. Whatever it is, you'll want to exchange your mortal coil for a newer model. Best to lock yourself in the library and live a life of the mind this week. You'll be back in tune with your bod soon enough.
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Image via Rodial

The beauty industry was in a tizzy a couple of months ago when Rodial UK announced it would be launching Boob Job, a hormone-free topical meant to increase cup size, later this summer, and it's now available at US stores like Bliss. Sure, it sold like pancakes over in Jolly Old (why, I haven't seen a stampede like that since Boots No. 7 came out!). But what I want to know is, is anyone naive enough to think that this stuff is going to work? Even though they had the audacity to charge $175 for it, a high price tag does not an efficacious product make.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You know how Cinderella's prince got swept up in the moment at the ball--the glowing lights from the crystal chandeliers, the majestic music from the live orchestra, the elaborate costumes of the guests, the bottomless gin & tonics at the open bar, the beauty and glamour of Cinderella . . . ? In that moment, he became a lovesick puppy, forgetting himself and his responsibilities to his country. And for what? A weak and wimpy white-trash chick with no spine and dishpan hands. This week, have fun at the ball, but don't drink too much, lest you end up wearing rose-tinted fairy-tale beer-goggles like our poor old prince.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don't lie this week. Just be honest. It truly is the best policy. (Except when faced with questions like "Do I look fat?" or "Is my penis too small?")

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aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If you're at all tempted to drive over to your beloved's house in the middle of the night and blast Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" from a boombox held over your head in an attempt to express your true feelings, resist that temptation. Change your middle name to Subtlety this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You want sex? Well, sex costs. And right here is where you start paying--in sweat! . . . If our paraphrasing of the classic line from the opening sequence of the Fame television show isn't working for you, then let us put it this way: love is work, and work takes energy. This week, eat a lot of Clif Bars.
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aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You'll have more romantic choices than a Denny's menu this week. But take your time and don't let the waitress rush you into making a decision. Sure, those waffles on page two look delicious, but if you keep reading you'll get to the Eggs Over My Hammy on page nine, which, we're sure you'll agree, is a much better meal deal. It comes with free coffee! Wait, we haven't quite squeezed the life out of this metaphor yet. When your meal arrives, don't shovel it in. This is haute cuisine! Chew. Savor. Look up occasionally. See that cutie sitting across the table from you? That's your date! What, you thought the meal was your date? Silly.
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aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Pretend it's easy like Sunday morning every day this week. Play some Snore-ah Jones, light some candles, buy a new board game and cook a few of your favorite things. Sure, your neighbors might think you're being held hostage by sensualists, but it's just what you need this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don't underestimate your powers of persuasion: you can have whoever and whatever you want this week. Okay, you can't have Brad Pitt or Scarlet Johanson on a bed of Cool Whip. And you can't have your own personal squad of fairies feed you grapes and lovingly administer you seltzer hi-colonics. But if you set realistic goals and stop short of begging, you can probably score this week.
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aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
The sky is blue. There is no good TV on Friday nights. Fire is hot. Oral sex is fun. Kevin Costner can't act. Condoms should always be used with new partners. And ladies should come first when it comes to orgasms. Every now and then, it's good to remind ourselves of some basic truths.
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Photo via Splash

One of the most well-respected derms of our time, Dr. Patricia Wexler (who boasts her own line of skincare products sold, somewhat randomly, through Victoria's Secret), has discovered what she and her clients seem to think is a miraculous (if not controversial) off-label use for Botox: breast lifts.

The science makes sense, sort of. "Botox is about a yin and yang of muscle movement. If you weaken a muscle that's pulling something down, the muscle which is pulling up has nothing to oppose it," explains Wexler. "So if you weaken the pectoralis minor muscle, which is pulling the breast down, the rhomboid muscle in the back is going to have nothing to oppose it, so it's actually going to pull up your back and give you better posture and actually lift your breasts up."--WCBSTV