aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sitting around worrying will not solve all your problems. Neither will yoga. There, we said it: There is such a thing as a problem that yoga can't solve, despite what all the celebrities claim. (And who believes them, anyway? When they say that yoga gives them that special glow, it's just Hollywood code for bulimia, plastic surgery, and a $300 facial.) But anyway, you're too broke for the facial, and too smart for surgery or an eating disorder. So hit the town with some good friends instead; it's twice the therapy and doesn't leave scars or rot your teeth.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Your kindness, consideration, and generosity of spirit are easy pickins for the ruthless, conniving and deceitful. Like a poor little defenseless piggy, you're ripe for becoming some sexy wolf's chew toy. Build a house made of cynicism and paranoia this week; you can always take it down later, once you've made sure your lovers are de-clawed.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Woah, monogamy alert! The stars warn you to seriously reconsider your decision to commit. And it's not someone else who's putting the pressure on you--it's you! So cut yourself some slack, Gem, and have a little fun, why don't you? And if anyone tries to tell you that "your prison is walking through this world all alone," just ask them when's the last time they received really good head.