Summertime, and the horoscopes are sleazy...

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Usually we're all for jumping in the deep end with both feet. But we feel it's our responsibility to tell you that some little dude just took a piss in the Relationship Pool. Best to wait a while, let the chlorine kick in, and then test the waters with your toe for warm spots. Plus, you just ate and you need to digest.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Going green this week will help your sex life. Turn off your air conditioner. You and your loved one will be forced to take your clothes off. Plus, all that naked skin glistening with sweat will be begging to be touched with an ice cube. Hot!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
It's summer, dude, why overanalyze everything? Why not focus on your partner for a change, instead of "the state of the relationship." Don't put this paramour under the microscope just yet--they're not ready for your pessimistic and picky questions and observations. That's what September's for.