aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
It's going to be one of those weeks: you'll feel fat and have bad hair days; you'll sprout one of those volcanic monster zits in the crease of your nose with one to match on your ass; you may be compelled to contemplate the stray hairs either growing out of random body parts or falling out in clumps in the shower; could be, while doing your best Cabbage Patch on the dance floor, you'll take a digger and split your new pants, calling to mind the "Blue Moon" scene in Grease; or, in the middle of sweet, passionate love-making, you'll accidentally let rip a toot so monstrous, the neighbors will think there's been an earthquake. Whatever it is, you'll want to exchange your mortal coil for a newer model. Best to lock yourself in the library and live a life of the mind this week. You'll be back in tune with your bod soon enough.
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