aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Your mother would like you to know that she thinks it's about time you thought about settling down. The stars agree.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Think outside the box, color outside the lines, park more than six inches from the curb, don't wear your khakis, don't iron your underwear, and don't take advice from anyone except us. If we were your Life Skills coach, we'd tell you to let go, jump off the edge, hold nothing back, and let your imagination lead the way. If we were your friend, we'd tell you to screw first, think later, and carry protection at all times. If we were your mother, we'd tell you to use a nail brush on those grubby fingernails before attempting any manual stimulation. And if we were your astrologist, we'd tell you the immediate future looks very, very good.

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