aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You'll impress anyone who catches your eye. Put your best foot forward and dive in with two feet. You're on the road to a long-lasting connection. Unless, of course, you're just a selfish, self-absorbed jerkface--in which case, horoscopes aren't gonna do you any good.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You'll have a 50/50 chance of choosing the right partner this week. Here's a hint: Looks are deceiving. Here's another: All that glitters is not gold. Getting warm? Someone once told you that "personality" was just a crutch for ugly people. That someone is going broke from all their Botox treatments and feels very empty inside.

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