Image via Strivectin

In what seems an unjust and truly awful twist of fate, my mother had exactly seven stretch marks radiating out from her navel from bearing two babies, but by the age of 11, I personally couldn't even count the number of stretch marks I had on my boobs, stomach and upper arms. Suffice to say, throughout my late teens and early twenties, during the years in which I was hoping for but extremely nervous about impending naked time with actual boys, I tried pretty much any cream, gel or contraption that had the words "Removes Stretch Marks" on the package. Of course, nothing worked, and I still have every single bastardly white stripe.

If you've ever really examined a stretch mark, you'll wonder why anyone even assumes that topical anything would work on them. A stretch mark is actually a small tear in your skin, a furrowed ditch in your dermis. Unless it's some kind of permanent spackle, any relief is going to have to come from the inside out and touch all of the layers of your skin, which is why laser procedures are typically the best bet. But that doesn't stop manufacturers from making wacked-out claims.

Apparently the U.S. government has bigger things on its mind (something about wars and bird flu) than chasing down these lying bastards, but a few companies, like the makers of StriVectin have gotten their wrists slapped by the FDA for dumping a bunch of bullshit in their ad pages. Now they've backed off and are marketing their products as basic wrinkle relief but some manufacturers are still throwing around promises that their stretch mark removal stuff is the best and it really works, no seriously, really and truly, we absolutely promise. Just remember that when it comes to stretch marks, the stuff in tubes or bottles can only prevent or hide (which is perfectly cool) but don't let them trick you out of your hard-earned cash with magical solutions and empty promises.