Image via Armani

Giorgio Armani would like you to believe you only need "one cream for a lifetime." This is what the packaging says: "Containing a unique formulation of obsidian, a natural mineral compound extracted from the petrified lava on Pantelleria, Crema Nera perfectly captures the Earth's rejuvenating secrets. This exceptional, patented formula is scientifically proven to actively restore and revitalize skin's natural radiance and regenerate surface cells. The immaculate white cream helps to uncover your skin's beauty, life and youth." Wow.

Like any Armani product, the lines on this little pot are austere and formidable as a Ferrari--to DIE for--as is the little bag with the strangely vaginal closure (this can't be an accident). And in case you need to be reminded that this cream is costing more than the gross monthly income of the average Tibetan family, Mr. Armani has also included a wee little spoon for your dibbing and dabbing pleasure. A brilliant solution, as the oils and bacteria from even the cleanest hands can affect and deteriorate your products, we could learn a little from the science behind the spoon. The only qualm for this reviewer is that the spoon is a wee bit flimsy and also...plastic.  But if you fork over more cash for the deluxe version, you get a chunk of actual obsidian that you're supposed to rub on your face and heat in the microwave to truly experience the feeling of volcanic action.  Whatever... Let's talk about the goods.

The crema is exactly as you would expect: thick, luxurious and super white. But you know what? It reminds me of Noxzema.  Yep--the cream of a lifetime brought me back to the '70s and my pimply babysitter Ellen Zipper who'd coat her face with the stuff before settling down with a bag of Doritos to watch The Love Boat. Unfortunately, I'd rather be playing shuffle board on the Lido Deck than using Crema Nera. The stuff left my skin with a dry, weird powdery finish that I just can't figure out.   

Crema Nera seems to have started at a $350 price point, but is now listed at $225 on Armani and Saks.
We'd rather save our dollars for Armani makeup.